New Journal

I've decided to track my journey on Caring Bridge from this point forward. If you would like to continue following my progress, you can do so at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/stephaniekagley/. See you there!

Dealing With Things

Wow, its been a while. I've been trying to deal with things...and honestly, I don't think I'm doing a very good job. When I saw my radiation oncologist last week, she told me they found a second type of cancer when they did my surgery. This greatly increases my chance of recurrence. Today I went and started the process for radiation. I take my first treatment next week. For the last 7 1/2 months I have been leaning on God. I've prayed. I've had faith. I've given him credit for every bit of progress that we've made along the way, because I know He's behind it all....but tonight I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm upset, scared, lonely, angry, depressed, and tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being a cancer patient. Why does this fight have to be so damn hard? I just want to be normal again. I want my hair back. I want my energy back. I want my chest back. I want the scars gone. I want to dance again. I want to be able to go out of town for a weekend and dress up in any dress I want and put on my jewelry, put my hair up all cute, and go out and do me three days in a row. Now all I can do is sit on the side lines and watch and even that exhausts me. I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be this person any more. This isn't me and I don't like this person. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not giving up, I'm just tired of it all. I want to be me again. I know that I will never be the me I used to be because I will always be a cancer patient and a cancer survivor. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. This will become my normal. And for that, I am sad and I am angry and I am hurt. But I guess I will have to learn to live with this because this is now my life. God give me the strength to get through this because I can't on my own.

Remission

I'm so excited to officially be in remission. My doctor has said I still need to do radiation so I'm waiting to hear when my appointment is with the radiation oncologist. I'll be doing the Herceptin treatments every other week instead of weekly, and he wants to do it for two years instead of just one to shift the odds in my favor. Because of the type of cancer I had, my chances of recurrence are 10-15%. He did say that I'm a miracle. That people don't go from stage III cancer to cancer free in 6 months....it just doesn't happen...but it did...and its all God's work....I give HIM all the glory. All I did was pray and be obedient. Ask and ye shall receive. I asked God to heal me and boy did He....and I thank Him every day for giving me a second chance to see my little girl grow up.

Pathology Report is in and.....

...I'm CANCER FREE!!! That's right ya'll...there was no cancer found in the tissue they removed during the mastectomy. The surgeon said everything looks great and I go back and see him next month. I see the oncologist on April 7 to see what comes next. Even better news, I found out today that my other friend who is fighting cancer has come home to Birmingham from Houston, where she was receiving treatment for her cancer. Not only is it great to have her back in Birmingham, but its wonderful to have her back in my life. I am so incredibly blessed to have a few friends back in my life!!! It's been a great week!

Post Op

Well, as of today I am 4 days post op. Physically I feel pretty good all things considered. My flexibility and mobility exceed what I expected and the pain is manageable. Emotionally its good and bad I suppose. I know its for the best, but its still a little rough looking down and seeing nothing there. And then there is the phantom pain. I can still feel them even though they aren't there any more. Its difficult to explain, really. Overall, right now the good outweighs the bad.

I did find out while in the hospital that someone I really respected passed away Tuesday night from cancer. He will be greatly missed. His memorial service is Monday night. It will be difficult to attend, but I feel it is necessary for closure.

Journey Transition

Last week we decided to stop the chemo. This week we scheduled surgery for March 22. Next step here we come!!!

As Time Passes

Its been almost 5 months since my life was turned upside down, since it went from running back and forth to work to running back and forth to doctors' visits, since my entire reality was rearranged and refocused. I found a lump. They found cancer, and God found His way right back to the center of my life. He has stood with me from the very beginning. From day one, when people ask what they can do, all I have ever asked for is prayer....lots of prayer. We've done a lot of praying here, too. This whole ordeal has brought our whole household back to God. Tonight at church the pastor preached on Recovery and Restoration. From the day the first doctor said "I can't say for sure without a biopsy but this looks like cancer" I have prayed. I cried, I prayed, and I gave it to God....all of it. He gave me a peace that I have carried with me since then...and I truly believe that is why I have done so well through the whole thing so far - physically and emotionally. Tonight, one of the songs we sang really hit me hard. The lyrics are: "This is the day, the hour, the time i give it all away to you

I wanna say i'll go your way, living my life for something real

I can't survive, i can't go on if i'm with- out you by my side

I wanna spend eternity with you

You've turned my world upside down

My life is spinning 'round you now, all of me, all for you

I'll let my light shine for you

Nothing's gonna stop me now, i'm living for you"

The song is Living for You by Gateway Worship. You can hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViBYpzKvoNk.

The music makes my heart dance with joy for the many blessings God has given me, even in these difficult times. The lyrics of the song really hit home with where I am in my life. I know things are rough, and I know there are more rough spots coming before the path smooths out, but I know I'm not walking that path alone and I know that, no matter what I encounter, my faith and I are strong enough to get through it. Nothing's gonna stop me now!!!

Ups and Downs

Well, I've finished 5 of 12 treatments...almost halfway there. The last two chemo days have been really hard, but I've felt better the day after. I'm glad to say that getting out a little bit has definitely been helping. I have to be careful not to overdo it (trips to the mall are a bit much...gotta stick to Wal-mart!). I'm feeling better in general. I see it getting even better soon!

Wearing Down

Well, this week I finished treatment 3 of 12 for this cycle of chemo. The treatments are starting to make me feel really run down. It seems like all I do anymore is sleep. Today I ventured to Walmart to get little one a new nightlight. Now I'm really tired. I'm trying really hard not to get depressed from being so run down. I've decided I'm going to try to push myself to get out of the house a little more to try to boost morale. If I don't, I'm going to go crazy in this house. Wish me luck!

A New Year

Well, the holidays are over. I was blessed with the opportunity to spend the holidays with my family. I had chemo three days before Christmas, but didn't let that get in the way of enjoying my time back home. Since getting back to Birmingham, things have been......emotionally difficult. Last week two beautiful people in my life who were also fighting cancer went home to be with our Lord. Both were strong in their faith, and I know both are in Heaven now. Still, saying good bye was difficult. The day after burying both, however, I was blessed to hear another friend of mine is going to have a baby. The cycle of life begins again. This good news gave me a renewed fight in my battle as we prepare for cycle two of treatment, which will begin next week. I'm fighting a lot of fatigue, but we seem to have the nausea under control for the most part. So overall I'm doing well. Still fighting the fight and, according to my doctor, we're WINNING!!! Let's keep up the prayers and keep winning!

Answered Prayers

Monday's doctor's report: the tumor has shrunk about 80% and the doctor expects me to be cancer free by the time I have my surgery in May!!!!

Admitting One's Limitations

Ok, I give in. I have to admit I am sick. I'm not superwoman. I have to accept that I have limitations I didn't have before. I have to accept the fact that without the help of others I can't get through this, but at the same time be thankful that those individuals are here and willing to help.

This round of chemo is kicking my you know what in the worst way. Each one seems to be getting worse. I have to remind myself that I'm undergoing one of the most physically difficult medical treatments the human body has to endure. I have to stop and rest. I have to take care of me. Yesterday I didn't take care of me and it ended up with me passing out when we went to dinner. Fortunately I'm ok, but it was a harsh reality call that I can't put off eating, even if it means just eating a piece of cheese to hold me over. Some lessons are learned the hard way I guess....but that is one I heard loud and clear.

Good News

I got good news today. The tumor has shrunk a lot and can now be moved around where before it was huge and solid as a rock. This is a good thing. The oncologist was so pleased that he sent me upstairs for the surgeon to look at it too. The surgeon was shocked we had achieved so much progress after just two treatments.....so we are winning the war. My next treatment is tomorrow. The nest step in the battle begins!

Been A While

I hadn't realized it had been so long since I have posted. Chemo keeps me tired these days. I can't hit the blog from work, and I'm so tired by the time I get home that I usually don't even open my computer. Physically, the chemo is really wearing me down. I pray more for strength and energy now than anything. I'm only able to work part time now, and I see that dwindling quickly. I try hard to keep the spirit up, though. I just hate not having the energy to be involved with Jadyn like I want to. I want to get up and play with her but sometimes its all I can do to stay awake and just watch her play. I am so thankful to have someone here to help me. He is such a blessing from God, and I couldn't do this without him.

On the flip side, it was great to see my parents this week for the holiday. I know it was good for Jadyn, too. Having dinner with them was so nice. It was a small escape from reality, even if only for a few short hours. I'm looking forward to seeing them again next month.

Rough Week

Well, this week's treatment ended up catching me by surprise and making me sick most of the week. I was still able to hang on and work through it, though. The doctor did have to make some adjustments to my meds. Hopefully the next round will be a little easier. The immune shot was rough, as expected, and has caused a few days of pain. I'm hoping it will ease up by Monday so I can have a relatively normal week. Fortunately my lab scores were good enough through the last round of treatment that, as long as they stay good, I only have to go in once a week now instead of twice a week to have my counts checked. That is good news. Despite the nausea and pain, I'm still hanging in here and the doctor is pleased with how I am doing. I'm doing better than expected which is also a good thing.

Good Days

Today was a good day. I had a treatment this morning and it went well. I have a good amount of energy today and even went for a walk when we got home from the doctor's office. Yesterday was pretty good, too. Daytime had some bumps, but I was pretty productive after I got home from work. Once this treatment settles in the little bit of hair I have left will probably go....and now, I think I'm ok with that. It has taken some getting used to, but I'm getting to that point of acceptance. I've gotten to where I am comfortable walking around the house without my hat. Jadyn doesn't look at me funny anymore, but she won't touch my head yet. (Yes, Dad, you have more hair than me now. Imagine that. :) ) Anyway, I'm feeling good, and I celebrate these days. My spirits are still up, and I credit a lot of that to the regular church visits. Feels good to be back in church. I'm sure all the prayers from everyone are helping too!!

Good and Bad

Well, I'm getting better from the crud, which is a good thing. Unfortunately, my hair started really falling out Thursday night. It has been harder than I thought it would be, even with it being so short. It has been a stressful week. On top of everything, Ive spent most of the week fighting with two insurance companies. I think fighting with them is about as bad as having cancer itself. The insurance is supposed to help and, while the money from the policies will definitely help with all of the extra expenses, the stress from dealing with the insurance companies definitely doesn't help at all. Oh well....all part of it, I guess.

Rough Week

Well, its been a rough week so far. I've caught this crud stuff. The doctor gave me antibiotics Monday, but I'm still not feeling better. Came home early yesterday, and was only able to work a couple of hours today. I know I'll get through this. I just have to keep reminding myself that my body has to work harder now to fight off these infections and that I need to take it easier when I do get sick.

Good to Be Home

So Friday morning, Oscar and I flew to New Orleans. We spent Friday in New Orleans, Saturday at an event in Baton Rouge, then flew home Sunday afternoon. It was a fabulous weekend. Exciting, but relaxing at the same time.

Fortunately I got good news from the doctor today. My white blood cell count should be 4 at the lowest. On Thursday it was 2. Today it was 12!!! My next treatment is next Wednesday.

On the down side, a friend of mine's 8 year old daughter is also fighting cancer. She is stage IV, which means it has spread. Today she told me the cancer has spread to the little girls scalp and lungs. Please be in prayer for her. She is a delightful little girl. She has been in chemo for 8 months.

Crazy Week

Well, its been a crazy long week.

Sunday we went to church. The service was great. Jadyn catnapped on the way home, which meant she wouldn't take a real nap, which also meant no nap for mommy. Needless to say once Jadyn went to bed for the night, a very tired mommy wasn't far behind her.

We did get good news Monday. The doctor did a physical exam and said the tumor feels as though its responding to treatment and he can tell a significant improvement. My blood work continues to look good, so the doctor is pleased with how I'm responding to treatment. My next cycle is in early November. Only three more of this round to go. I went in again today for more blood work, which also looked good.

Overall, it was a week of a little bit of pain and a whole lot of fatigue. The being tired gets me more than anything does, but so far I've been able to push through it. I've still been able to work every day except the actual day of treatment, even though most days aren't full days due to doctor's appointments and lab visits.