New Journal

I've decided to track my journey on Caring Bridge from this point forward. If you would like to continue following my progress, you can do so at http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/stephaniekagley/. See you there!

Dealing With Things

Wow, its been a while. I've been trying to deal with things...and honestly, I don't think I'm doing a very good job. When I saw my radiation oncologist last week, she told me they found a second type of cancer when they did my surgery. This greatly increases my chance of recurrence. Today I went and started the process for radiation. I take my first treatment next week. For the last 7 1/2 months I have been leaning on God. I've prayed. I've had faith. I've given him credit for every bit of progress that we've made along the way, because I know He's behind it all....but tonight I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm upset, scared, lonely, angry, depressed, and tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being a cancer patient. Why does this fight have to be so damn hard? I just want to be normal again. I want my hair back. I want my energy back. I want my chest back. I want the scars gone. I want to dance again. I want to be able to go out of town for a weekend and dress up in any dress I want and put on my jewelry, put my hair up all cute, and go out and do me three days in a row. Now all I can do is sit on the side lines and watch and even that exhausts me. I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be this person any more. This isn't me and I don't like this person. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not giving up, I'm just tired of it all. I want to be me again. I know that I will never be the me I used to be because I will always be a cancer patient and a cancer survivor. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. This will become my normal. And for that, I am sad and I am angry and I am hurt. But I guess I will have to learn to live with this because this is now my life. God give me the strength to get through this because I can't on my own.

Remission

I'm so excited to officially be in remission. My doctor has said I still need to do radiation so I'm waiting to hear when my appointment is with the radiation oncologist. I'll be doing the Herceptin treatments every other week instead of weekly, and he wants to do it for two years instead of just one to shift the odds in my favor. Because of the type of cancer I had, my chances of recurrence are 10-15%. He did say that I'm a miracle. That people don't go from stage III cancer to cancer free in 6 months....it just doesn't happen...but it did...and its all God's work....I give HIM all the glory. All I did was pray and be obedient. Ask and ye shall receive. I asked God to heal me and boy did He....and I thank Him every day for giving me a second chance to see my little girl grow up.

Pathology Report is in and.....

...I'm CANCER FREE!!! That's right ya'll...there was no cancer found in the tissue they removed during the mastectomy. The surgeon said everything looks great and I go back and see him next month. I see the oncologist on April 7 to see what comes next. Even better news, I found out today that my other friend who is fighting cancer has come home to Birmingham from Houston, where she was receiving treatment for her cancer. Not only is it great to have her back in Birmingham, but its wonderful to have her back in my life. I am so incredibly blessed to have a few friends back in my life!!! It's been a great week!

Post Op

Well, as of today I am 4 days post op. Physically I feel pretty good all things considered. My flexibility and mobility exceed what I expected and the pain is manageable. Emotionally its good and bad I suppose. I know its for the best, but its still a little rough looking down and seeing nothing there. And then there is the phantom pain. I can still feel them even though they aren't there any more. Its difficult to explain, really. Overall, right now the good outweighs the bad.

I did find out while in the hospital that someone I really respected passed away Tuesday night from cancer. He will be greatly missed. His memorial service is Monday night. It will be difficult to attend, but I feel it is necessary for closure.

Journey Transition

Last week we decided to stop the chemo. This week we scheduled surgery for March 22. Next step here we come!!!

As Time Passes

Its been almost 5 months since my life was turned upside down, since it went from running back and forth to work to running back and forth to doctors' visits, since my entire reality was rearranged and refocused. I found a lump. They found cancer, and God found His way right back to the center of my life. He has stood with me from the very beginning. From day one, when people ask what they can do, all I have ever asked for is prayer....lots of prayer. We've done a lot of praying here, too. This whole ordeal has brought our whole household back to God. Tonight at church the pastor preached on Recovery and Restoration. From the day the first doctor said "I can't say for sure without a biopsy but this looks like cancer" I have prayed. I cried, I prayed, and I gave it to God....all of it. He gave me a peace that I have carried with me since then...and I truly believe that is why I have done so well through the whole thing so far - physically and emotionally. Tonight, one of the songs we sang really hit me hard. The lyrics are: "This is the day, the hour, the time i give it all away to you

I wanna say i'll go your way, living my life for something real

I can't survive, i can't go on if i'm with- out you by my side

I wanna spend eternity with you

You've turned my world upside down

My life is spinning 'round you now, all of me, all for you

I'll let my light shine for you

Nothing's gonna stop me now, i'm living for you"

The song is Living for You by Gateway Worship. You can hear it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViBYpzKvoNk.

The music makes my heart dance with joy for the many blessings God has given me, even in these difficult times. The lyrics of the song really hit home with where I am in my life. I know things are rough, and I know there are more rough spots coming before the path smooths out, but I know I'm not walking that path alone and I know that, no matter what I encounter, my faith and I are strong enough to get through it. Nothing's gonna stop me now!!!

Ups and Downs

Well, I've finished 5 of 12 treatments...almost halfway there. The last two chemo days have been really hard, but I've felt better the day after. I'm glad to say that getting out a little bit has definitely been helping. I have to be careful not to overdo it (trips to the mall are a bit much...gotta stick to Wal-mart!). I'm feeling better in general. I see it getting even better soon!

Wearing Down

Well, this week I finished treatment 3 of 12 for this cycle of chemo. The treatments are starting to make me feel really run down. It seems like all I do anymore is sleep. Today I ventured to Walmart to get little one a new nightlight. Now I'm really tired. I'm trying really hard not to get depressed from being so run down. I've decided I'm going to try to push myself to get out of the house a little more to try to boost morale. If I don't, I'm going to go crazy in this house. Wish me luck!

A New Year

Well, the holidays are over. I was blessed with the opportunity to spend the holidays with my family. I had chemo three days before Christmas, but didn't let that get in the way of enjoying my time back home. Since getting back to Birmingham, things have been......emotionally difficult. Last week two beautiful people in my life who were also fighting cancer went home to be with our Lord. Both were strong in their faith, and I know both are in Heaven now. Still, saying good bye was difficult. The day after burying both, however, I was blessed to hear another friend of mine is going to have a baby. The cycle of life begins again. This good news gave me a renewed fight in my battle as we prepare for cycle two of treatment, which will begin next week. I'm fighting a lot of fatigue, but we seem to have the nausea under control for the most part. So overall I'm doing well. Still fighting the fight and, according to my doctor, we're WINNING!!! Let's keep up the prayers and keep winning!