Dealing With Things

Wow, its been a while. I've been trying to deal with things...and honestly, I don't think I'm doing a very good job. When I saw my radiation oncologist last week, she told me they found a second type of cancer when they did my surgery. This greatly increases my chance of recurrence. Today I went and started the process for radiation. I take my first treatment next week. For the last 7 1/2 months I have been leaning on God. I've prayed. I've had faith. I've given him credit for every bit of progress that we've made along the way, because I know He's behind it all....but tonight I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm upset, scared, lonely, angry, depressed, and tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being a cancer patient. Why does this fight have to be so damn hard? I just want to be normal again. I want my hair back. I want my energy back. I want my chest back. I want the scars gone. I want to dance again. I want to be able to go out of town for a weekend and dress up in any dress I want and put on my jewelry, put my hair up all cute, and go out and do me three days in a row. Now all I can do is sit on the side lines and watch and even that exhausts me. I don't want to do this any more. I don't want to be this person any more. This isn't me and I don't like this person. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not giving up, I'm just tired of it all. I want to be me again. I know that I will never be the me I used to be because I will always be a cancer patient and a cancer survivor. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life. This will become my normal. And for that, I am sad and I am angry and I am hurt. But I guess I will have to learn to live with this because this is now my life. God give me the strength to get through this because I can't on my own.